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Dealing With Fear In The “Discomfort Zone”
Published on 5 Jun 2009 at 5:30 pm.
7 Comments.
Filed under Business Development,Feature Articles,Personal Development Strategies,Spirituality & Inspiration.
A few days ago I wrote about “Staying The Course in The Discomfort Zone” when we feel stretched to the limit with Life experiences.
How about those times when you feel frustrated or beat yourself up because you haven’t changed a behavior or achieved a goal you say you want? Perhaps it’s a change of behavior or a goal that you haven’t been able to achieve. You’ve tried with some limited success and you continue to backslide. Maybe you haven’t even taken the first step because you feel afraid.
So, let’s say there is a change you feel ready to make even if you feel afraid or resistant. You know inside that it is time to shift from thinking and talking about what you want into DOING. Being actively engaged in demonstration through action is a critical factor in manifestation when you say YES to what you want and who you are meant to be.
Common desires include:
- Reducing weight, living a healthier lifestyle
- Financial freedom, having a steady flow of abundance
- A loving relationship with a soul mate
- Health, energy, vitality
- Making money doing what you love
- Inner peace and joy
When we begin moving past our comfort level, our ego/mind begins to freak out with fear. Sometimes our panic is obvious. We feel physical sensations: heart beating fast, dry throat, shallow breathing, a sense of panic or urgency, or a knot on our stomach. When our conscious or subconscious thoughts, are fixed on imagined events that may or may not ever happen the future, fear can turn to panic.
Uncertainty, feeling out of control can send us zooming into sabotage. When people unconsciously feel powerless or “trapped” they look for ways to feel more in control which can often be projected by trying to control others. In the throes of fear and distress our human instinct is to grab onto something that creates the illusion of control so we can breathe a sigh of relief. We feel like we have been saved as if we were downing in deep water and found a life preserver to keep us afloat. Even though our relief might be a temporary fix, we feel back in the driver’s seat because our immediate sense of urgency has been calmed.
Another way we manage discomfort is to self-soothe in positive ways including: nurturing rituals, affirming self-talk, gratitude, spiritual practices, doing fun things, and connecting with uplifting friends. Or, we can negatively self-soothe through addictive behaviors such as: overeating, drinking, overspending, and overworking that ultimately sabotages our intentions. Sweets, carbs, and junk food are a great way to numb out. Repression becomes an automatic response to discomfort; a powerfull coping mechanism to manage whatever we want to avoid seeing, feeling, or thinking about. Numbing is a way we “get rid” of any feeling we don’t want to deal with. We know that we are choosing to do or not do will probably lead to regret and self-condemnation and we do it anyway…
What about the subtle unconscious ways our fears operate beneath the surface of our minds to create chinks that weaken our inner foundation and begin the erosion of our commitments?
Common forms of self-sabotage:
- Negative procrastination – wasting time, putting obstacles in the way of taking action towards goals, making excuses for delays, rationalizations, and creating confusion.
- Avoidance – getting sick, changing the subject, leaving the room/phone call, poor eye contact, being too busy, getting distracted, keeping people at a distance (emotionally, physically, spiritually), indirect or vague communication, putting things off due to discomfort or overwhelm, and excessive sleeping.
- Destructive habits – addictive behaviors, dishonesty, overindulgence, clutter, disorganization, overspending, overeating, overbooking, and self-neglect.
- Irresponsibility – excessive debt, risky behavior, lateness, missed appointments and deadlines, over-promising and under-delivering, breaking agreements/promises, forgetfulness, and tolerating things.
- Putting others before YOU – people-pleasing, remaining in harmful situations, inability to set and maintain personal boundaries, putting the needs of others before your own, and compliance.
- Negative self-talk – Shoulds, coulds, ought tos, musts, self-criticism and judgments, anticipating or expecting the worst vs. the best, scaring yourself with worst case scenarios, talking yourself out of trusting yourself, your wisdom and instincts, creating confusion, minimizing and devaluing goals….
- Living in drama – making the situation worse or bigger than it really is. Going into “your story” vs. what is really happening or true. Being in your story means, the energy is focused on the pain, difficulty, PROBLEM, old patterns of reacting that makes the situation overwhelming, impossible, HUGE, hopeless, pointless, powerless. This is a great way to abandon goals and works in tandem with negative self-talk and fears.
If we have become attuned to our “management patterns”, we can recognize the signals and use tools to restore a sense of inner calm and perspective without costing us additional stress or pain. (Tip: Slow deliberate breathing and bringing your attention to the here and NOW are two shifting practices that can reduce the intensity of fear. Fear thoughts focus on the future and coming back to the present is key.)
How we approach anything is how we do everything.
For example:
About a month ago I realized I need to sloooooow down. I had been feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and irritable. Those are warning signs to let me know I am way out of balance especially with my self-care. I was so busy being “busy” that I had allowed my exercise, meditations, and healthy eating habits to become erratic. I felt de-motivated and uninspired. My sense of clear direction had blurred.
Where was I? What was I doing? Was I moving in the direction of my desires or away from them? Was I making choices that reflected my head or my heart?
The message coming through was, “Stop DO-ING and BE. Take time to be still so you can hear the voice of The Divine for guidance.” Following spiritual guidance in my business and life choices is my deep desire in creating a prosperous, fulfilling life that aligns with my purpose and destiny. So, my decision was to take a few weeks for self-reflection and renewal with a minimal amount of time focusing on my business. It also seemed to be the perfect time to restore my goals of establishing healthy eating habits, exercise, and the spiritual practices consistently.
Doing less work the first week, relaxing, and working on my own spiritual growth felt great. I was feeling more rested, physically stronger, my energy level was higher, my mood was more positive, and my creative juices were flowing into some very powerfull writing.
In the book, The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life To The Next Level”, author Gay Hendricks talks about how and why we sabotage our good feelings because we are so much more comfortable feeling bad. It’s a great book I highly recommend!
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By the middle of the second week, some sabotage had begun began to creep up. Negative self talk, guilt, and fears began to creep in. I was feeling a little bored, itchy, and anxious to DO! My eating slipped a little, I noticed I hadn’t been making my bed, I was going to bed late and sleeping in which began to push when I did my morning workouts…..All of these choices were ways I was abandoning and disrespecting myself. Breaking my agreements and commitments were signs I was out of personal integrity.
I recommitted to my goal/intentions, fessed up to my support people, and got back on track without beating myself up, so I could focus on how far I had come rather than looking at what I hadn’t done well. After all, it had only been 11 days! What did I expect? To change years of behavior overnight????
By the middle of the third week, I was slipping again with food, feeling some irritability and impatience. On a call with a colleague, I realized I was pacing around my office. Have you ever seen how lions pace back and forth in their cages? My sense is they are restless in their limited confinement and want to break out so they can run free. Sticking to our commitments can feel like we are trapped rather than a gateway to limitless possibilities and the realization of our dreams.
I knew I was definitely in the Discomfort Zone after I saw myself deal with a problem with a blog application that was malfunctioning which I thought I had resolved. I became a dog with a bone. I shut down my computer three times to handle it the following day and came back three times until, at 12:30 am, I arose from my desk triumphant and victorious in fixing the problem. Sometimes my choices are constructive when I realize the feelings beneath my sense of urgency or obsession. Other times my actions can lean towards sabotaging my best interests.
Remember, I said that when we feel powerless or out of control we look for someone or something to control so we can push the feeling down into our bodies? What to do differently? You gotta feel what you don’t want to feel so you can release, heal, or transform it. Being gentle with yourself when you slip, and you will, will help you recognize your own unique triggers and signals so that you can learn how to navigate through adversity and distress with greater ease.
- What are some of the ways you abandon and sabotage your goals, agreements, or commitments?
- What empowers and inspires you to show up for yourself, to be in self-integrity?
- What gives you courage?
- What helps you to stay strong no matter what is happening?
- What might be missing that would help you to achieve richer outcomes?
When we set our sights on the things we feel spiritually inspired to pursue, faith and trust become our guides as we travel into new territory of possibilities. We have to want something so bad that we are willing to do whatever it takes, over and over, to have what we deeply desire including walking through fear and pain to get to the other side which, I believe, is the Heaven on Earth we dream about.  We find courage to keep moving forward by taking one step at a time, one day at a time using our tools, resources, inner guidance, wisdom, asking for and receiving help from the people who love and support us positively.
To your continuing journey of becoming who you are meant to be!
Cheers 
Lorraine
www.powerfull-living.biz
www.isayyesnow.com
Kathleen Gage on 6 Jun 2009 at 7:42 am: 1
Hello my friend. Your article is so revealing of behaviors many of us have but refuse to or pay attention to.
It’s amazing how subtle the sabotage can be. And yet how empowering it can be to identify an old habit and make changes appropriate to where we are heading.
Thank you for your wonderful writing.
lorraine on 6 Jun 2009 at 9:02 am: 2
So true about sabotage Kathleen
Even with all that I know about how to recognize self-defeating beliefs and behaviors, our mind has this incredible creative capacity to camouflage what is really at the bottom of things. As you become more aware, your inner radar becomes more attuned to “see and sense” the truth.
Hmmm – I think I’ll add this comment to the article. It was pretty good!
Hugs,
Lo
Linda on 7 Jun 2009 at 9:05 am: 3
I see this is in me constantly! I am having huge financial challenges. Even more so since I have been doing my own business.
Health issues and always someone is ill that is close to me. It seems the closer I appear to my success, the worse the situation that appears in my life.
lorraine on 7 Jun 2009 at 9:42 am: 4
Hmmm – what might these situations be reflecting in you Linda?
The outside world is a mirror for our awakening. Isn’t it wonderfull how Life serves us?
If you’d like some help in breaking through barriers and shifting sabotage, that’s the work I do with clients.
Blessings,
Lorraine
Kristi on 10 Jun 2009 at 1:57 pm: 5
Thank you, Lorraine, for this piece of writing!
I started reading it. I read a few chapters then I felt like “oh I should read it later…” (why not right now?) and “oh I could play a computer game in the mean time…”
Like – “what?!”
So I just read it from the beginning till the end. I took some deep breaths meanwhile while reading it.
Stepping out of my comfort zone might probably be a goal of mine
I will definitely re-read this article and I’ll try to keep your tips in mind
Thank you a lot!
lorraine on 10 Jun 2009 at 2:17 pm: 6
This writing is part of my upcoming book Kristi
It flowed with great power and I can appreciate your comments about taking deep breaths. Stretching beyond the comfort zone is ongoing to be who we are meant to be. When we are inthe midst of high discomfort, having the tools, resources and most of all people support makes a huge difference in whether we move forward in strength or run back to where we feel safe.
Blessings,
Lorraine
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