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10 Ways To Be Supportive To Someone in Emotional Distress
Published on 27 Mar 2009 at 12:22 pm.
4 Comments.
Filed under Feature Articles,Personal Development Strategies,Spirituality & Inspiration.
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“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” - Sue Patton Thoele
“Give thanks for sorrow that teaches you pity; for pain that teaches you courage – and give exceeding thanks for the mystery which remains a mystery still – the veil that hides you from the infinite, which makes it possible for you to believe in what you cannot see.” – Robert Nathan
Supporting someone in distress challenges us to be present, consciously choosing to respond from an unconditionally loving place instead of reacting with “old” conditioned behaviors and responses. Witnessing people’s distress can feel personally painful and overwhelming. It’s normal to have a desire to help those that seem to be suffering, especially when they are those you love.
Here are some tips to help you offer loving support with compassionate detachment.
1. People are unique individuals with different needs.What feels supportive for one may not feel supportive for another. Don’t presume to know what someone needs or wants from you for support. It’s ok to admit you don’t know how to help. Consider asking the question. “ How can I best support you or what do you need from me to feel I am here for you?” If they have no immediate answer, let them know that if there is something they want, to let you know and if you can say yes to their request, you will.
2. Let people be where they are. Feelings are just that – feelings. Not good or bad, right or wrong. Life experiences evoke the full range of normal, human emotions. Feeling distress is not a negative. In truth, each experience offers a healing and growth opportunity. Often, the most difficult experiences teach us about who we are, our relationship to others and the world. Difficulties invite us to s-t-r-e-t-c-h out of our comfort zones to become stronger , more aligned with our soul purpose, more alive, happier, prosperous….
3. Listen with a willing ear and compassionate heart. Responses like “ I understand, I hear you, I’m here for you, or my heart goes out to you,” communicates understanding and empathy. So often, what people really need in times of distress is a witness who can listen with an open mind and heart.
4. Be conscious of your language and tone of voice. Phrases beginning with “ Don’t think/feel/be or you don’t have to think/feel/be…. sad, upset, worries, fearful….” expresses criticism, disapproval, and judgement. Those statements convey, “What you are experiencing is bad or wrong. Stop it or get rid of it.” The phrase “ I know exactly how you feel” may be intended to offer comfort. In truth, to truly know how someone feels you must “ be in his or her skin.” Modeling empathy or the ability to relate to the feeling or situation is inviting and heartwarming.
5. Validate the distress with acceptance, without challenging them to explain or defend their pain. Honoring the other person’s thoughts and feelings shows respect and creates an environment of safety. Resist the need to ask a lot of questions that might pull the person out of their feelings which might shut them down.
6. Resist the urge to cheer up, find the bright side, point out the blessings of the situation, or shift their focus. Offering more positive feedback can be best offered when the person is open to hear in. Rushing in too soon with a positive perspective can feel invalidating or dismissive. Create a loving space to allow the person to say what they need to say, feel what they need to feel and ask what they might need. Support the process of healing and growth by letting go of the need to control or direct how they think and feel.
7. Be sensitive to offering unsolicited advice or solutions. Consider your words before you speak. In distress, people value being heard, listened to and encouraged to “talk about it” without being told what they should or shouldn’t do. Well-intentioned comments offered to “ help” may be unwelcome and untimely. When in doubt – ask if they are open to suggestions.
8. Check your internal reactions.Unresolved issues or discomfort impact on the ability to be objective and neutral. Know your own limits and boundaries. It’s ok to remove yourself from a supportive position. Be honest in your capacity to “ be there.”
9. Share your sincere, heartfelt thoughts. Be who you are, not who you think you should be.
10. If appropriate and welcome, offer loving touch. Being held, hugged, having a shoulder to cry on or lean on can feel wonderfully comforting and less lonely.
Cheers,
Lorraine
www.powerfull-living.biz
www.isayyesnow.com
LifeLessonsLearned's Blog on 7 Nov 2010 at 9:24 am: 1
[...] see the whole list, check out Powerfull Living to see other ways that you can be supportive to anyone that needs your [...]
Support « LifeLessonsLearned's Blog on 7 Nov 2010 at 9:25 am: 2
[...] see the whole list, check out Powerfull Living to see other ways that you can be supportive to anyone that needs your [...]
coco on 22 Feb 2012 at 2:26 am: 3
I would like to learn to be more supportive to some of my friends. Among the issues that I have been told about concerning my friends are family drama. For example how does someone deal with a relative who is rude and arrogant? Of course that is a touchy subject. What sort of responses would be appropriate for that kind of thing? Your article is very informative. I’d like to learn more.
lorraine on 2 Mar 2012 at 1:39 pm: 4
Dear Coco, One of the challenges people face is taking things personally. Family drama is very common. The truth is that most of us get caught up in our own stories and we continue to create drama for ourselves and with others. Not knowing the dynamics of your family, I could not give you responses other that to suggest, you practyice compassionate detachment, set boundaries when appropriate, and bless them in their pain. Warmly,
Lorraine