Do You Have The Courage To Change Your Mind?
Published on 25 Sep 2008 at 5:31 pm.
6 Comments.
Filed under Courage Series, Feature Articles, Personal Development Strategies, Spirituality & Inspiration.
In a session with a new client, I listened to her talk about how stressed and overwhelmed she felt managing all the responsibilities she has taken on in her life. She’s has health challenges and donates a good bit of her time for a non-profit that does outreach programs in her community. Right now she’s leading a project that will conclude at the end of the year.
I’ve known her for a few months and, in that time, I have repeatedly heard her speak about how busy she is, how she feels she has no time for herself, and the desire to make some changes so that she can focus on fulfilling her life purpose and vision.
Her plate has become full for several reasons
- Lack of boundaries
- Inability to say no
- People-pleasing
So, what’s stopping her from making some of these changes?
Guilt
She says:
“I have commitments I made that I can’t break. One specific commitment I have is heading up a project for the non-profit. The original person in charge decided to step down and told me I’d be taking over. I was caught off guard and I said nothing. It’s not really what I want to be doing and I can’t just walk away and disappoint folks. I would feel GUILTY. I made a commitment and that’s about being integrity”.
Hmmm I understand. Integrity is one of my core values and it can also be a double-edged sword. I believe we must have the ability to choose what we say yes or no to and be able to change our mind if we need to. Without choice, we can feel victimized by people and situations; feeling trapped in a commitment that we feel bound by and stuck with.
I grew up with the cliché, “You made your bed so you have to lie in it.” That can mean too bad for you if you’re unhappy. You made a commitment and you’re stuck with it. Make the best of it. That way of thinking used to keep people in unhappy marriages and jobs that often cost them their well-being, health, and their sanity.
You have a right to change your mind even if you made a commitment.
YES, you do.
You might be thinking, “C’mon Lorraine. You can’t just walk away from things just because you don’t like it. That’s pretty selfish and irresponsible. There are some responsibilities you have to do because other people depend on you”.
Absolutely so. I’m not talking about turning your back on people and responsibilities that really matter to you or being self-centered at the expense of others.
We all have things we do that might not always be fun and pleasurable; household tasks, paying bills, parenting, working…. depending on our attitude and energy.
Years ago, when I was doing my ministerial training, the topic of commitments came up. The teacher said that people agree to things based on what they know and believe to be true at the time. As people and situations change, the original commitment may no longer be the right choice and having the ability to modify or break a prior agreement is important so that we don’t feel trapped in our decisions. The real commitment is to “self” – to who we are meant to be and what we are here to do.
That way of looking at commitment really resonated with me. In that way we can continually be true to ourselves and show up for people in sincerity and authenticity.
Consider the choices and commitments you make that come for want and desire rather than guilt and fear.
If you say yes to someone or something because you feel afraid or guilty, how great is that? How about when you get caught off guard and say yes because you feel cornered and on the spot? Feel good?
Do we abandon ourselves to avoid upsetting others?
How does that choice bring real happiness to anyone?
In my opinion, the first place you must be “in integrity” is with yourself. To stay in a situation or relationship that might be costing you your health, self-esteem, valuable time and energy, money…. because you gave your word is a signal to re-evaluate your life. We create our own misery and suffering by being afraid to make certain changes that can be life-altering. Unhappiness affects every aspect of your business and personal life.
If we are fearful to show up for ourselves, how can we really show up for others?
Is it time to shift, modify, transition, or let go of any commitments you’ve made so that new people and opportunities can come into your life?
Oh, my client? She’s transitioning out of the leadership position by the year’s end and will let folks know by the end of Oct. You should see her face as she talks about what’s next. She looks 10 lbs lighter!
Have an opinion or comment? Tell me what you think!
Cheers,
Lorraine
www.powerfull-living.biz
Evelyn Lim on 25 Sep 2008 at 8:37 pm: 1
I’ve got to admit that my plate has always looked kindof full. So the last couple of weeks, I’ve decided not to take on any more new workshops or assignments. I’m amazed that even with not committing to anything totally new, my schedule has a life of its own. Based on previous commitments or uncompleted tasks, it is already filling up to the end of this year! I’d have to continue to stick to my decision, until I am sure that I can have space to add in new stuff! I want to look younger, lighter and fresher too!
lorraine on 25 Sep 2008 at 8:56 pm: 2
It requires staying aware and continuing to tune in to what resonates.
I used to say, “when things settle down, I’ll…” Guess what? Things don’t settle down in the way I might think - there is always more that invites me to participate and have new experiences. I find that staying connected inside keeps me in intregity with what is most important. While I do say yes at times when I feel that “should” coming up, it is part of being human and, I can change my mind and do it in a clean, respectful way.
Lola Fayemi / Nourishment for your spiritual awakening on 29 Sep 2008 at 9:39 am: 3
Hi Lorraine
I hear you on integrity being a double-edged sword! I’m going through an integrity test right now and it’s all about showing integrity to yourself. No matter how uncomfortable it is to do, it is nowhere near as uncomfortable as not showing integrity to yourself.
I often change my mind but I don’t see that as being out of integrity. Changing your mind and hiding from informing people for fear of upsetting people is out of integrity. Changing your mind and having an adult conversation about it with the relevant parties is not in my opinion.
In love, light and abundance x x x
lorraine on 30 Sep 2008 at 5:20 pm: 4
I feel the same way Lola
When we abandon ourselves - which is how I see and feel it, it can be a very painful place to live inside.
It takes courage to stand strong in who you are.
Way to go!
Love,
Lorraine
Daryl Ochs on 2 Oct 2008 at 7:16 pm: 5
Hello Lorraine,
I sense that integrity is first and foremost about loving myself enough to trust what shows up in my inner self regardless of the consequences to/with others. For those around us this can often appear to be incredibly selfish and insensitive to their needs/desires.
If I make up my mind to always allow self-love (in the love that I AM) the flexibility to respond in the now moment without guilt, shame, or fear, this will frequently appear to others as betrayal, immoral, and self-serving…but not to myself!
lorraine on 3 Oct 2008 at 3:51 pm: 6
Hi Daryl
Nice to see you here. Like you I see integrity is very much about being true to oneself. Being self-ish is a new paradigm for people to consider and there is a learning curve to valuing self-love. Yup - it opens the doors for judgments and misunderstandings. It’s up to us to remain compassionate and loving in those moments.
Come back any time
Lorraine