How You Can Support Someone With Compassionate Detachment
Published on 17 Sep 2008 at 9:22 am.
4 Comments.
Filed under Feature Articles, Personal Development Strategies, Spirituality & Inspiration.
When I was in my teens I was a handful for my parents, especially my father. Like most teenagers, I was claiming my own independence and pushing against my family rules and societal rules. It used to drive my parents nuts as they watched me repeatedly create drama and upset in my life.
One day my father looked at me with bewilderment as he shook his head in confusion. Each time he attempted to help me by trying to fix things, I found some way to circumvent his efforts and get right back where I was. He said, “Why won’t you let me help you? Why do you make things so hard?” I remember adamantly saying to him, “You’re in my way and these are things I need to do.”
I thought it was my rebellious spirit that spoke to him that day. I realize it was a deeper and wiser part of myself that answered him. Looking back over my life, I have created a lot of painful experiences that have been some of the most important times for me to learn about who I am and what I am meant to do. I’ve become more compassionate, emotionally stronger and ALIVE.
What was difficult for my parents was “witnessing” what I was creating and being helpless to “save me from myself” from feeling pain and unhappiness.
Watching someone you care about who seems to be in pain and wanting to take the hurt away so they will feel better, happy…. is the tough part. Many times when people reach out, what they really need is someone to listen and understand. In a desire to be of support, we offer advice, attempt to shift their focus to be more positive, or suggest ways to fix things.
What I’ve come to know is this:
- I don’t know what a person has come into this life to learn and share
- I don’t know what a person needs to experience to fulfill their soul purpose
- By rushing in to save another from their pain, I might be getting in the way of an experience that is important for their growth
Feelings aren’t good or bad, they are just feelings. We are meant to experience the scope of emotions that comes with being fully alive. Being of support does not mean helping someone get “rid of their feelings”.
I’ve written many times that every experience offers a healing and growth opportunity. Being able to accept, embrace, and learn from our experiences, rather than judge and struggle against them, opens the door for more joy and ease to flow in our life.
When I became a psychotherapist and spiritual minister, I learned “compassionate detachment,” a skill that is critical to being a good therapist. That means being able to step back within myself and listen compassionately without personally engaging. Imagine watching a emotionally stirring movie without becoming one of the characters in the story. In that way you can view things through the eyes of love and appreciation as you witness people’s life journey.
The next time you witness another’s pain and have the opportunity to be of support, ask them how you can be of help to them. Let them tell you what they might need. If they don’t know, I usually say, “If there is something you want or need from me at any time, I’m here for you”.. Then listen with compassionate detachment as if you could see them through the eyes of love and honor their learning experience.
Cheers,
Lorraine
www.powerfull-living.biz
Evelyn Lim on 18 Sep 2008 at 10:02 pm: 1
Oh wow…this is a very powerful reminder for me. I tend to want to jump in to provide solutions for people who are consulting with me. After having weathered so many of my own personal dramas, it is easy to see what these folks need to do. However, you are right. They need to “identify” their own life lessons. A gentle question is what I need to make to these people first of all.
lorraine on 18 Sep 2008 at 10:20 pm: 2
That’s what makes it tough Evelyn
Asking what people might want or need from me gives me the opportunity to show up for them in ways that are aligned with being of service to them. As a coach, when I want to give clients suggestions or advice, I ask them if they want my feedback and deliver it in a way that invites their own wisdom to emerge. I stay alert to my own intentions and agendas so I am supporting rather than directing their experience.
Warmly,
Lorraine
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work on 19 Sep 2008 at 6:50 am: 3
“I don’t know what a person has come into this life to learn and share.”
So true Lorraine, we never can know until they show us. Of course it’s most difficult to step back and allow the growth of those close to us. I’ve a 23 years old daughter who has been doing her own thing for about 10 years now.
It’s not what I’d do but she isn’t me. It feels good to know that she’s on her path and all will be well.
This is a very insightful post that I wish more folks could read so I’ve stumbled it of course.
lorraine on 19 Sep 2008 at 1:38 pm: 4
I know it’s a toughie for folks Tom
It requires reaching into our spirit as well as our human self to look at people as souls on a journey as well as ones we care about.
Sounds like you’ve done a great job as both a parent and guide for your daughter Tom
Thanks for the Stumble. Have a great weekend