fulfilling life that aligns with your spirit
Coaching Tip: Stop “Shoulding” Yourself
Published on 28 Jul 2008 at 5:05 am.
8 Comments.
Filed under Coaching Tips,Feature Articles,Personal Development Strategies.
 
“Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul”. ~Max Ehrmann
How often do you begin statements inside your head or out loud that begin with words like: I know I – should, shouldn’t, need to, have to, supposed to…?These words create constriction and the illusion that you have a lack of choice. They are all different shoulds!
When we’re young we’re continually told what to do, how to think and feel about things, the difference between right and wrong… according to other people’s perceptions and beliefs. We become culturally conditioned to societal beliefs and behaviors. We develop viewpoints to look at life through a lens of guilt, obligation, and shame. Too often we are making decisions and taking actions that aren’t what we really desire. If that’s true for you, whose life are you living?
How often do you get upset with yourself when you don’t do something you feel you should do? What does your self-talk sound like? Supportive? Unsupportive?
How much vitality and joy do you feel when you do things out of guilt, obligation, or shame because you fear negative consequences. You may be afraid of upsetting others or risking the withdrawal of their love and being punished in some way. The result is a build-up of resentment, anger and frustration that ultimately becomes self-directed.
The ability to have choice and make our own decisions is an important freedom; a part of having free will and spiritual growth. Without the freedom to make choices we can feel powerless and hopeless.
Who would consciously choose to feel that way?
How often do you should on yourself?
Over the next 24 hours observe how often you begin statements out loud or in your head that begins with shoulds. Do this as an experiment to become more self-aware. Pay attention to how you feel emotionally, physically, spiritually.
Exercise:
Write down a few statements that begin with any of these words, “I should…. I have to, I need to
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To allow yourself to have choice, play with replacing your statements with permission language.
Examples of new language:
I choose to…..
I will…..
I want….
I desire to…..
I can….
I give myself permission to….
It’s ok for me to…….
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Notice how you feel – emotionally, physically….
Do you see how shifting your language to include choice moves you from constriction to a place of expansion and possibility! Permission language feels more loving and respectful too. Can’t ya just feel it?
PS If you quickly repeated the phrase, “I will not should on myself today” at least three times, you might be surprised at what you are really saying. Go on, try it.
Have a great day filled with lots of choices 
Lorraine
www.powerfull-living.biz
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Lola Fayemi / Nourishment for your spiritual awakening on 29 Jul 2008 at 6:00 am: 1
Hi Lorraine
I’ve been very aware of my language lately and been more conscious around what I am saying including staying out of the language of self-judgement and using more expansive language.
Oh boy, do I feel differently! It’s having a huge affect on how I am with myself which is having a HUGE knock on effect with my life experiences.
Things are unravelling and I will write about it soon. I just wanted to back you up on how important this really is.
Keep doing your thang Sister!
In love, light and abundance x x x
lorraine on 29 Jul 2008 at 7:40 am: 2
Fabulous Lola
Isn’t it amazing what you begin to notice when you become more present and conscious to your language? AND what you start attracting when you shift the energy – whoo-hoo.
I applaud you for the courage and dedication you have for your growth Lola. I have been reading your blog posts and witnessing the HUGE leaps you have made thus far to create more joy and abundance in your life.
It’s my pleasure to be of service to you sweetie
Love and light
Lorraine
Mark McCullagh on 30 Jul 2008 at 7:39 pm: 3
This really hits a nerve with me.
Growing up, everyday my Father told me things I SHOULD be doing.
He wasn’t being mean, it was just his way of parenting and wanting the best for me.
So now I hear this voice in my head constantly telling me things I SHOULD be doing etc.
Evelyn Lim on 30 Jul 2008 at 8:44 pm: 4
I’ve never felt more empowered after finding out that I need not stay stuck in my shoulds. Everything is a choice, including the mood that I wake up to in the mornings. Most definitely, I agree that it is very freeing to be able to make choices!
lorraine on 31 Jul 2008 at 2:18 pm: 5
Isn’t it amazing what you realize when you become more present to the language you use and the affect words have on how you feel and think as well as what you do or don’t do?
It’s a wake-up call!
Cheers,
Lorraine
lorraine on 31 Jul 2008 at 5:41 pm: 6
So true Mark
It’s a conditioned response and people have become accustomed to using that language without being conscious of the affect that has on who we become as adults.
That’s why the self-discovery work is so important!
Cheers,
Lorraine
Sandra Hendricks on 29 Dec 2009 at 6:18 pm: 7
I like your outlook here. I used to be stuck in my shoulds too, until one day I realized it wasn’t the shoulds that I was stuck on, but the shouldn’ts.
Lets coin a new phrase here:
Stop shouldn’ting on yourself
lorraine on 29 Dec 2009 at 7:12 pm: 8
Nice addition Sandra
Both sides to the “should” have merit. One qiestion I like to pose is asking folks to look at what they are saying Yes to and No to? Shoulds and shouldn’ts abound!
Thanks for adding your thoughts