fulfilling life that aligns with your spirit
Seeing the Blessings in The Loss of A Friendship
Published on 7 Jul 2008 at 8:32 am.
22 Comments.
Filed under Feature Articles,Personal Development Strategies,Spirituality & Inspiration.
“When you don’t feel that you have to be perfect to be accepted, when you are given the freedom to be yourself in every situation, when you can share your heart without risk of betrayal, when being together is more important than what you do … that is when you’re in the presence of a friend. “~ UnknownÂ
For the last several years I have been friends with a woman several years older than me. In many ways we were kindred spirits, in other ways you might wonder what brought us together because of the vast differences. There were times I wondered myself. Over the years she has supported me in so many ways…..  Â
In the past year some of those differences began to widen. Two months ago we had a falling out and she voiced feelings she had been withholding because she had lacked the courage to express what she’d been feeling for a while. I know how scary that scary it can feel to be vulnerable and honest. I forgive her for holding back her true feelings.
From that conversation, we knew it was to step away from the friendship and stay open to our paths crossing in the future. We are moving in new life directions and we want different things in a friendship.
People come into our lives for brief periods, perhaps moments, and then they are gone. Some come into our lives and we feel so intensely connected that we expect to be in each other’s lives forever… and that doesn’t happen. (I’ve had that experience a few times). Others might remain for a lifetime and beyond.The blessings and gifts they bring to enrich our life experiences are not always apparent especially when we view those experiences negatively. Â
I believe people come into our lives to serve us to grow and evolve through the experiences we mutually create. We are all teachers for each other and student of life at the same time. Even in those times of conflict and discomfort, the invitation to discover the hidden blessings and gifts is always there if we are willing to look.
If you’re on a spiritual journey and value personal growth, you know your outer world is a reflection of who you are and who you become. Whatever shifts you make within yourself, will be reflected outside in your world. Some people resist growing or spiritually awakening because they are afraid of how their life will change and they fear potential losses of love and support.
Nothing stays the same forever. Change is a constant in life. No one is to blame or wrong. It isn’t about holding onto to people and things in our life that insures our happiness. We are the source of our own happiness. Regardless of any external situations, we choose to be happy or unhappy.
I could choose to be angry and upset about things that happened in the past between us, ruminate about some things she said that I didn’t like, or focus on something to justify our friendship shifting in order to block my feelings of sadness. Instead I choose to feel it all – to let all my feelings hang out without negating anything and making plenty of space to celebrate all the times we shared that were gifts and blessings in my life. I am gratefull for them all!
I know I am a better and more loving person because she has been in my life. I wish her well in this next phase of her life and I sense she is embarking on an exciting new adventure!
Blessings to you
Lorraine
www.powerfull-living.biz
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map on 7 Jul 2008 at 7:56 pm: 1
I’ve been through episodes like what you’ve described. It has been pretty painful for me.
Additionally, at this stage, I find myself growing in a way that is no longer the stuff that most of my girlfriends are interested in. I can’t help my boredom sometimes when I’m with them. I’m less keen to discuss trivial things. Rather than choosing to be no longer friends, I decided to manifest for myself a new group of friends, who are more aligned to my new spiritual interests. And I’ve been richly rewarded!
It’s great that you can see the good that has come up from your relationship with this friend; rather than dwell on pain and hurt. Yes…friends move in and out of our lives…each of them can teach us something about ourselves.
Hugs,
Evelyn
lorraine on 7 Jul 2008 at 9:38 pm: 2
It’s interesting that you write about feeling bored Evelyn
I came to that same feeling years ago when I realized that many of the conversations folks were having were not in sync with what matter most to me. I wanted meaty conversations that had substance and I wanted to closely align with folks who were growing and flowing. I realized many different types of relationships bring richness to my life without all having to be intimate. The key for me was paying attention to ones I might be holding onto for the wrong reasons. This was one of them.
I can relate to everything you said. It’s a natural progression on the path of awakening that relationships shift to match who you are becoming.
Love and light
Lorraine
Ari Koinuma on 7 Jul 2008 at 9:47 pm: 3
I, too, can relate to what Evelyn and Lorraine are saying. I feel that I change and grow fairly fast — and most relationships can’t keep up with my changes. Many relationships burned brightly for 1-2 years and fizzled away quickly.
On the other hand, there have been relationships where it stayed distant for some time, but somehow it comes back and we find each other in very similar places. It’s very exciting when this happens.
Relationships choose its own distance, and I believe it’s best to feel the ebb and flow in the energy and let the relationship be. It’s easier said than done — it takes courage to step closer, and the same applies to stepping away, as both actions present risks. But keeping an un-optimum distance is the most unhealthy.
ari
lorraine on 7 Jul 2008 at 9:55 pm: 4
Beautifully put Ari
I too have found that some relationships ebb and flow. For me, it isn’t how long they last, it is that the time we spend together is quality and serves us in growing. I resonate with your comment about letting relationships be. That is a great invitation for us all to let go of who we want people to be and honor who they are as gifts and blessings.
Have a great night Ari
Blessings,
Lorraine
Robert@MindPowerMarketing on 8 Jul 2008 at 6:46 am: 5
You make some valuable points Lorraine. It’s true that people can be right for us at one stage in our life and that there comes a time when we all have to move on. It’s great to be able to accept that and see the value of past friendships and new ones too.
Best regards
Robert
lorraine on 8 Jul 2008 at 6:52 am: 6
Thanks Robert
It can get tricky because relationships/friendships invite so many thoughts and feelings. Choosing to see the best and good in situation regardless of the outcome takes practice and an open, compassionate heart to look at experiences from an expanded viewpoint. I haven’t mastered that yet and I appreciate all the people who come into my life to help me get better at unconditional love and acceptance.
Warmly,
Lorraine
Karen on 9 Jul 2008 at 10:43 pm: 7
I had two friends that hurt me very deeply. I’m a very loyal person that doesn’t have many friends. Well, perhaps I know a lot of people, but am very selective about who I call “friend”. Losing a friend is a horrible grieving process. The last friend I lost 1 1/2 years ago and it was from her betraying me. It hurt so badly!!!! I still have a few close friends, but unfortunately, none of them live close by. This makes it hard to get out and do things and feel connected to someone.
lorraine on 10 Jul 2008 at 7:06 am: 8
Hi Karen
I can appreciate how experiences that go sour can shake trust and cause a great deal of pain. When people do things, it can be very challenging to not take things personal because it can feel very personal. What I have come to realize both in working with clients and from my own journey is that we can hold on to pain or transform it. I ask the question, “What do I need to bring this to peace within myself?” The tougher questions include looking at how that person served me to grow. Perhaps I learned from that pain that I wasn’t authentic, I lost my voice and didn’t speak up, my expectations were unrealistic about the person, or I might have abandoned myself in different ways, and that person might be teaching me about forgiveness….. There is a wonderful gem of a book called The Little Soul & the Sun by Neale Donald Walsh you might like.
Blessings,
Lorraine
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker on 15 Jul 2008 at 8:23 pm: 9
Sometimes when you let go, the friendship takes a break and comes back even stronger. Sometimes, you do outgrow each other. Sometimes, the paths take a different direction for awhile or forever. Friendships are definitely blessings. The ending can also be a blessing to our continued growth.
lorraine on 15 Jul 2008 at 9:53 pm: 10
So true Patricia
Actually this is the second close friendship that has drifted apart the last two years. Several years ago I reconnected with another dear friend when the relationship drifted a part. I stay open to possibilities in the future and celebrate what they have been that have helped me to become who I am today. It’s not about holding onto people. To your point, the endings are a blessing for what is next.
Warmly,
Lorraine
Andrea on 25 Sep 2009 at 3:02 am: 11
I was very close friends with a woman at work. We bonded over our shared experiences with rebellious teenage daughters. But eventually the friendship ended as we disagreed over issues in the workplace. A year after I left the company, I sent her an email of apology and asked if she’d like to have lunch. She replied that although she accepted my apology, it was better to leave things as they were. So not all friendships can be restored.
lorraine on 26 Sep 2009 at 4:44 pm: 12
So true Andrea
Some friendships do not endure after a conflict or misunderstanding or even over time when nothing seems to happen to cause drifting apart. Some people come into our lives for a moment, some for a season, others for a lifetime. The key is taking the gifts from the relationship to support our evolution.
Gem on 31 Jan 2010 at 2:27 pm: 13
Before anything else, it was a blessing to have found this webpage. I’ve been reading lengthily about this topic (more on grief, grief management, etc.). I didn’t exactly lost a friend but the friendship took a different turn, tantamount to losing the friend to a certain extent. The pain and grief the reality of this loss is causing me right now is beyond my understanding. While I have been advised to be honest about my feelings (not to dwell on them), memory of the loss of other close friends in the past resurfaced. For the first time in my life, I am asked to look at these friendships and learn from them, find closure, and truly move on.
To be honest, I don’t know right now how to let the relationship be as ari mentioned. I believe that it is something I should do and it is something that I would choose to do but I am not exactly sure I can do it.
But I know I have to move on, if not for myself, for those people who depend on me, for those people who love me (despite what I am going through) and grow from this experience.
I guess one of my greatest fears in moving forward is being in this same spot again. The reality of who I am right now, that I cannot maintain these kinds of close friendships, is frightening.
The challenge for me right now is to be honest to myself as to who I really am, what I really feel, forgive myself for my parts in those relationships, pick up the pieces and move on, learn and grow. As hard and daunting and unimaginable this task is I know that there is power in human choice and life is still ahead to be lived and shared with whom God has put in our paths.
To be fully in the present believing that it will take care of the future and supported by the past.
To love another person with all the fears and joys it may bring.
To love the same persons with all the pain and love it gave.
To believe that every day is a NEW day, that the past could only have so much effect on it as we allow it.
To believe that we have, as humans, the ability to alter the course of our lives, regardless of any dire situation we are in, by the power God has placed in our hands.
lorraine on 31 Jan 2010 at 10:37 pm: 14
Beautifully said Gem
Some people come into our lives for a moment, a season or for a lifetime. Relationships change and some move closer or more apart. The forgiveness piece is so important as you have said… no one is to blame and often we hold harsh judgments towards ourselves when grieving. Be compassionate and loving with yourself. Being vulnerable and willing to share your heart and love with another is part of being alive and human. Without love, our lives are empty and lonely.
Love and blessings to you Gem. Thank you so much for sharing your love and thoughts with me.
siobhan on 11 Oct 2010 at 6:28 am: 15
I have lost two precious friendships in the last year. My sister and i supported each other during difficult times in our lives and when my life gradually became happier hers did not – she developed severe anxiety, social phobia and agrophobia. I continued to be supportive but she started to ignore all my calls for months. When I eventually got her to speak to me she said I was insensitive to her pain because I was so positive about my own blissful life. I had gone through many dark and painful years and my life has improved largely through positve attitude and very hard personal work. I tried to re-connect with her but something is just gone and i can no longer bear to do all the work to visit and call with so little reciprocation.
My best friend was someone I could totally be myself with and she with me. We had both started life again after abusive relationships and were positive and deteremined to find happiness and love within and from others. A year ago she ceased contact and when I asked her why she said she was in too much pain to talk to anyone and didnt know who she was anymore. I tried to give her the space she asked for and just sent oaccasional emails or left short messages on the answer machine. I sadi I accepted her need to find herself and that that was her first priority.
It is a year since we last spoke in any friendly close way and I accept that it is over between us at least for the foreseeable future.
I love people and get on well with others but dont often connect with people on the level of friendship. I am self employed as a behaviour therapist so all the people I meet at work are clients with whom friendhip would not be appropriate.
I feel so full of grief and loss and I although I accept that people change and move in and out of our lives I feel so hurt. My friend and I shared such good times and I can’t believe it could just end so suddenly. We were good to each other and for each other and I miss her so much.
I am in a great relationship with a wonderful man and see my other siblings from time to time but I miss those long chat and the easy familiarity I shared with my friend and sister.
I know this pain will pass and that there is much love in myl life from my children, my partner, myself and even love from those I’ve lost but at the moment I am full of sadness and tears.
lorraine on 11 Oct 2010 at 10:40 am: 16
Saying goodbye to those with love either through death or separation is painful because we open our hearts Siobhan
It sounds as if both your sister and friend need to work some things out and the friendship you shared is not part of their journey at this time. It’s not personal although it can feel that way. Loving someone also means blessing them and giving them the speace they need to heal and grow.
While you are grieving, remember to celebrate all the wonderfull times you shared. None of us knows how long we have to be with anyone or anything in this life.
Lynne on 28 Jan 2011 at 10:59 pm: 17
*Name has been changed
Lori* and I were young wives and mothers, brought together because our husbands were best friends. Our friendship didn’t happen overnight; the first time we met, she made a comment about our apartment that I considered rude. We were pregnant at the same time; my first and her second. We bonded when we went to the first Terminator movie with our husbands. Halfway through, we went to the restroom, decided the movie was dumb, and stayed in there talking until it was over.
Neither of us worked outside our homes then; after calculating the cost of daycare, gas, and a professional wardrobe, it was cheaper to stay home. We took the children to the park, went to garage sales (Lori could spot a bargain from the street), and babysat for each other. We confided our deepest secrets; I knew she despised her husband’s family and she knew my mother was mentally ill.
Things changed when I got divorced and returned to work. We no longer had the same hours free. Our children attended different schools and made new friends. We occasionally met for lunch, but the closeness was gone. Her husband and my ex had a falling out and quit speaking. Gradually, our friendship dwindled to an occasional phone call.
I didn’t know that Lori’s husband had become verbally abusive and emotionally unstable. She called to tell me they were divorcing. She and the children were moving out of state to be near family. We met for a farewell lunch, wiping away tears as we reminisced about happier times. It was the last time I saw her.
Email made keeping in touch easy, but Lori quickly made a new life for herself and the children, helped by her close family ties. I realized keeping a friendship alive with hundreds of miles between us was unlikely. Our emails gradually ceased, although we continued to exchange Christmas cards. Eventually, those stopped.
I emailed Lori when my mother died. She sent a brief reply of sympathy, adding that she had remarried. Her words came across as somewhat cold and indifferent.
Sometime later, grieving and overwhelmed, I sent Lori a long, emotional email. I desperately wanted to reconnect because she was one of the few people who knew the truth about my mother. She never replied.
I see now, years later, that Lori moved on and I didn’t. She probably felt it best to cut all ties with her former life. Instead of trying to make new friends, I clung to a friendship that had run its course even before Lori moved away. I still think about her sometimes, feeling embarrassed about that last email.
lorraine on 31 Jan 2011 at 2:59 pm: 18
When we make a connection with others who seem like kindred spirits, it’s natural to want that friendship to endure. Some people into our lives for a moment, some for a season, some for a lifetime. When we are hurting, we can say and do things from pain that we regret. I encourage you to forgive yourself for anything you might be judging yourself for and bless her for the special moments you shared that added to the richness of your life (and vice versa). Let go of being embarrassed for missing someone you love. Love is the greatest gift we can give and receive. Blessings, Lorraine
siobhan on 2 Feb 2011 at 3:45 am: 19
My sister and I have re-kindled a connection. It is very tentative and fragile as she is still taking medication for anxiety and depression and therefore not able to experience her emotions fully. She remains scared of leaving her house and using the phone but wants to heal our relationship. I am willing to do this but I am wary of getting close then being shut out again. Also I have changed in the last year; my mother died, my sister and best friend withdrew almost all contact I found and lost a job and moved house. I used to find meaning and esteem in having people reach out to me for support and advice but that no longer attracts me. Being the one who helps was such a huge part of my character that I no longer know who I am as a potential friend. i was always willing even keen to offer to babysit, give a lift, take a cry for help at any time of day or night etc but now that urge has gone. I used to value friendships which had a real spark of ‘shared pain’ as well as positivity. My past freindships were very close with huge sharing of thoughts feelings stories of past pain, analysis of each others feelings and enormous support for each other’s efforts to grow and be happy. Sounds good in some ways but none of my past freindship have endured to the present time. Could it be that attracting people who were on journeys through and away from pain I found people who were very vulnerable and who would withdraw from that intense mutual analysis. I am analysing too much again. I am wary of new freindships. I sometime think that I could explore having friends without that deep intense support. I always had fun and laughter with friends in the past too but now I feel I could keep the ‘therapy’ out of any future friendhips. That would be very novel for me and I am not sure how to be that kind of friend but that would be a new adventure.
lorraine on 6 Feb 2011 at 11:15 am: 20
Re-evaluating relationships is healthy. Thinking about what you want in a friendship or relationship for yourself and the other person brings clarity and understanding so people are on the same page. It’s an education process and opportunities to be integrity with yoruself with who you are, what you want and need. Then to follow through with showing up to be true to who you are ad inviting relationships that value the same honesty and love. It can take time to attract and cultivate quality relatationships and they are worth it!
Lorraine
Lilian ( name changed ) on 20 Aug 2011 at 10:51 am: 21
A friendship I had for 5 years has just come to an end. Last year she betrayed me by doing the very thing I had asked her not to do. When I challenged her on it she turned very nasty & said some terrible things to me blaming me & saying I was being unreasonable. We split for a while but then drifted back. I thought it was all OK but within a few months she started to behave oddly.I tried & tried but it was to no avail & then the other week in a conversation she raised it again quite spitefully. TBH I had had enough & told her I wanted nothing more to do with her until she gets over her anger & resentment. We cannot be friends again until she does. I have suffered enormous hurt over this but not once has she ever showed remorse or apologised for the spite she has flung at me.
lorraine on 20 Aug 2011 at 3:13 pm: 22
Dear Lililan. I have found that some people come into our lives for a moment, some for a season or brief period, and some for a lifetime. Parting of ways can often be painful and we can spiral around in that pain if we are unable to bring “what happened” to peace within ourselves. The pathway is always through forgiveness (including for one’s self), compassion, and love. People do hurtful things because they are in pain. Each of us has acted unwisely, betrayed another, screwed up… because we were/are in pain. Peace is an inner state that we create, independent of what someone does or does not do, Each person and experience shows up to help us grow and evolve. Recognizing this truth can liberate people from feeling victimized by others and invite peace and inner healing to occur.