Coaching Tip: Being Self-ish Isn’t Wrong or Bad
Published on 9 Jun 2008 at 4:38 am.
10 Comments.
Filed under Coaching Tips, Feature Articles, Personal Development Strategies.
“It takes courage to demand time for yourself. At first glance, it may seem to be the ultimate in selfishness, a real slap in the face to those who love and depend on you. It’s not. It means you care enough to want to see the best in yourself and give only the best to others.” - Shale Paul
I advocate prioritizing self-care. In fact, I’m a broken record about the importance of being self-ish. (I’ll be writing more tips on this topic too). Are you cringing at the idea or thinking, “I’m just too busy? Are you nodding your head yes because you know it’s important and you don’t make the time in your day?
Have you been taught that putting yourself first is wrong or bad? You might have first-hand experience of having people judge you, withhold love or affection, or punish you in some way when you did something just for you?
Do you hear about people who are held in high esteem because they have always self-lessly been there for others? In our society, people are often applauded and emulated for how they are always there for others. I wonder…. are they also there for themselves? Do they allow others to be there for them as well? Are they great givers and poor receivers? How about you?
Here’s the point…….
When we continually give our time, energy, attention, ……to others without replenishing and nurture ourselves, we move closer to a “burnout” state of exhaustion, confusion, irritability, resentment, anger, destructive behaviors… that can lead to health or psychological problems.
Who wins there?
No one, especially you.
Make self-care a priority by practicing self-ishness. Create a new positive definition for self-ish that gives permission to value yourself AND be loving with others. We teach people how to treat us by our example. Do you wish to communicate to others that your needs, value, and worth are unimportant? If you’re a parent, is this what you wish to teach and model for your children?
It’s time to challenge and replace some of the beliefs and behaviors that have been handed down for generations that repress our authentic self from fully and joyfully emerging!
Say yes to yourself and others because it brings you joy. Say yes because you choose to rather than out of guilt or fearfull obligation. Say yes because you want to be of loving support and assistance rather than because you feel you “have to”.
Answering the calling of your needs, heart, and mind will help you respond to the calling of others. When you become self-ish you’ll have the extra reserves (time, energy etc.) to be generous with others. Be open and willing to make changes in your personal and professional life that “feed” and lift your spirit, rather than depleting you. When feeling conflicted, ask yourself, “What would respect my intentions of taking care of myself in this situation?”
- Spend the next 7 days doing something very, very selfish every day. Do something each day that brings you joy and pleasure (even a guilty pleasure if you want!). It can be anything you want – that is your gift from you to YOU. I don’t mean doing something for someone else because it makes you feel good (or better about you, ok?).
- Say no because you feel like it. Refer to my article on saying no for some help!
- Have a special gift or talent? Create a setting for that to flourish. Everyone will benefit.
When you take care of yourself, the people in your life you care about will experience the best of you rather than what’s left of you. If you start feeling guilty see the guilt as a sign you are on the right track. Making changes aren’t always comfortable at the beginning - for yourself and those around you. In time, people will adjust. By modeling a healthier way of being, you invite others to take more responsibility for their own happiness and self-value
Obviously you must practice discernment when making changes in your life. The rewards for taking better care of your self are boundless. You’re worth it!
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Cheers 
Lorraine
www.powerfull-living.biz
Gina Rafkind on 9 Jun 2008 at 8:12 am: 1
Hi Lorraine,
I totally agree with all you say in this article. I realized just about a month ago how I’ve been letting some of my self-ish ways slip and because of that, I wasn’t feeling as good. I was feeling more burnt out in all ways.
So I decided right then and there to take the responsibility for my own well-being and by doing so, I can serve the well-being of others so much better. I come from a place of stillness rather than a place of distress.
I have my morning rituals that I do to start my day. They can differ from morning to morning depending on what I’m ‘feeling’ that day. But that’s the key for me- ‘feeling’ my ‘inner being’ again and paying attention to that part of me.
I tell you, being self-ish is so much better!
Thanks for your words.
Gina Rafkind
lorraine on 9 Jun 2008 at 10:30 am: 2
Good for you Gina
Isn’t it amazing how much better we feel when we do things for ourselves and when we slip, boy we really feel it! Tuning in regularly helps to connect the dots between feeling burnt out and the need to add more self-care.
Have a nurturing day!
Blessings,
Lorraine
Yogi Zen Dude on 9 Jun 2008 at 3:39 pm: 3
I just had a nap…it felt Great !!!****** =)
I can be cranky without my time…
lorraine on 9 Jun 2008 at 4:21 pm: 4
Yup - little things like taking a nap can make a huge differece in how we feel, think, and respond to people and things Greg
Have a great night!
Lorraine
Mark McCullagh on 11 Jun 2008 at 11:57 am: 5
I’m laughing because I was speaking to a friend of mine in the gym and she was saying how one of her girlfriends told her that she thought that taking the time to work out was a selfish pursuit.
So is someone else going to look after your body and keep it healthy and fit for you?
lorraine on 11 Jun 2008 at 3:43 pm: 6
Only in dreams Mark,
We get the whole experience
I wouldn’t want to miss any of it!
Blessings,
Lorraine
Evelyn Lim on 16 Jun 2008 at 8:19 pm: 7
Hi Lorraine,
Thanks for the reminder to spend time in nurturing ourselves. I have often forgotten to, in the past but am learning that I should do it on a regular basis. I used to view time for self nurturing, unproductive and a waste. It is hard to, when I have two young kids around. However, I am now viewing things differently; that such time spent is an investment in ourselves.
Thanks once again for sharing,
Evelyn
lorraine on 16 Jun 2008 at 9:14 pm: 8
hi Evelyn
It’s a shift of beliefs and attitude. I find that when I let self-nurturing go, my life doesn’t work as well and there is a ripple effect. The more we tune in, the better we are at responding to what we need and everyone benefits. You’re the model for your children Evelyn. You’ll teach them to value themselves in ways our parents didn’t. Good for you!
Blessings,
Lorraine
carla on 7 Jul 2008 at 6:39 pm: 9
Hi Lorraine,
I’m happy you saw your quote on my blog. I think we are on the same page on this one. I get your newletter and have learned lots this year. Thanks!
Carla
lorraine on 7 Jul 2008 at 7:33 pm: 10
We sure are Carla
Self-care is a hot button for so many women! Permission is HUGE. It’s a great reminder that bears repeating! I need it too sometimes LOL
I’m glad you enjoy my newsletters! More to come
Cheers
Lorraine