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A Model For Conflict Resolution
Published on 19 Mar 2008 at 9:05 pm.
12 Comments.
Filed under Feature Articles,Personal Development Strategies.
About a week ago a former counseling client emailed me to ask if I could help her mediate a conflict she was having with her mother. They’d been trying to work through things for over 9 months and seemed to hit a wall. Her mother suggested counseling and my name came up as someone who might help. The desired result was to get past the conflict so that their relationship could be restored in a better way.
Working through conflict can get very sticky. I believe it takes skill, finesse, resilience, a healthy self-esteem, and objectivity to be really effective in conflict resolution. I see it as an art – something you get better at with practice and increased self-esteem. When things become personalized, objectivity can go right out the window. I know that when conflicts arise between family members, close personal relationship and friendships, things can become painful, uncomfortable, and scary.
Common situations that often lead to conflict:
~ The Blame Game – finger pointing, accusations, buck passing, using excuses, defending, and explaining are all ways people deny taking 100% responsibility for what they create in their life. As long as we have someone or something to blame for our situation, we never have to look at our role in what happened. The fact is that we are powerfull creators and we are consciously and unconsciously manifesting all the time. In a conflict situation, questions to ask yourself are, “What was my role in this creation?” What were my beliefs? Intentions? Expectations? Behaviors? that contributed to this situation?
~ Upset. The root causes are:
1. Unmet Expectations – was it realistic? Was a clear promise made? Did you perceive it as a promise?
2. Undelivered Communication – what was unclear, assumed, unsaid?
3. Thwarted Intentions – things happening out side of direct control.
~ Judgments and Self-Criticism – people aren’t who we want them to be. We’re unhappy with ourselves. Things aren’t the way we want them to be. Inner turmoil and struggle creates stress, anger, frustration. It’s exhausting and very painful. We all want to be unconditionally loved and accepted for who we are. Practicing compassion, tolerance and love for each other’s humanness (and ourselves), invites happiness and inner peace and offers healing and growth opportunities. We must become the change we wish to see in the world – Mahatma Ghandi.
~ Stuffing things for too long - sitting on something that is simmering will eventually start to boil and lead to a blow up. That’s what happened with my mother and daughter. I’m an advocate for clearing things up as soon as possible. Withholding upset creates a gap in a relationship that widens the longer a person remains silent. One of the keys to clearing things up in a healthy way is the ability to hear things without taking it personally. This takes tons of practice and strong self-esteem.
When both parties can be in an objective space, having a conversation using these 4 opening statements can be a useful Model in conflict resolution. Notice the intentional omission of any accusations or blaming language?
In this model, YOU take full responsibility for your experience, interpretation and reaction as well as what you need to bring the experience to peace inside yourself. To be the most effective, let go of any attachment to what you want or need the other people to do or be. This is critical to offset high expectations.
1. This is what happened (from your perspective).
2. This is how I felt about it at the time (taking full responsibility for your reactions, interpretations, assumptions, feelings…)
3. This is how it affected me (taking full responsibility to what happened as a result of how you felt, what changes might have occurred…..)
4. This is what I want from you now (which might be nothing, you just needed them to hear you, you want an apology…) Understand that what you might want might be offered and be prepared for your request to be denied.
These steps can be very therapeutic regardless of the result because it creates an opportunity to have a conversation where both people can express what happened, show up for themselves and be heard. Being able to show up and hear things that might be upsetting by remaining compassionately detached and present is a skill that takes lots of practice and high self-esteem.
Mutual respect, compassion, accountability, strong self-esteem, good communications skills and the willingness to grow as a person are key ingredients to having more successfull conflict resolutions that build trust and safety in any relationship.
Finally – seek help if you need it. Sometimes we are just too close to the situation and need a third-party to help move things forward.
Have a great day!
Lorraine
www.powerfull-living.biz
The Story Lady on 20 Mar 2008 at 9:24 am: 1
This is an excellent pathway to conflict resolution. I appreciate the recipe.
Ronda
lorraine on 20 Mar 2008 at 10:17 am: 2
Thanks Ronda
I have found that people often need a framework to begin resolving conflict and this model has been successful in opening a dialogue.
Thanks for stopping by!
Cheers,
Lorraine
Bud Bilanich on 20 Mar 2008 at 11:03 am: 3
Great post Lorraine:
I like your four step model for resolving conflict. I think the second step — telling the other person how you felt about what happened — is really important. When you do this, you’re not blaming the other person, you’re merely stating how something they did made you feel. We are all the experts in our feelings. When I tell you that something you did made my happy, sad, frustrated, angry or whatever, I am sharing how the situation affected me — not blaming you. This is powerful.
Now, the other person may not care how you feel, but in my experience, this is rare. I have found that when I’ve told people how I felt (especially if I was sad, angry or frustrated) after as a result of something they did, most of them respond by saying something like “I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention.” This response opens up the door for constructive conversation on resolving the issue between us.
Sorry for the long, rambling comment, but I really want to tell you that I think your formula for conflict resolution is wise. I try to use it in my daily life.
All the best,
Bud Bilanich
The Common Sense Guy
http://www.SuccessCommonSense.com
lorraine on 20 Mar 2008 at 12:06 pm: 4
Well said Bud
All of it! I have found this model creates a format to make statements in a way that is very clean and invites people to show up so things can be resolved.
Your insights are always welcome – whether long or short!
Cheers,
Lorraine
Alex Shalman on 20 Mar 2008 at 5:12 pm: 5
I think the ultimate form of conflict resolution is being the one to ‘get off it’. Someone needs to stop arguing and it could very well be yourself if you choose.
What do you think?
lorraine on 20 Mar 2008 at 5:40 pm: 6
I think people get caught going round and round without moving through the conflict which becomes painfull and exhausting. Being able to step outside of our stories and dramas (de-personalizing) is an important key. If someone has enough psychological, mental, and emotional health to do that, painful arguments can become productive discussions.
Thanks for your comments Alex!
Cheers,
Lorraine
Jenny on 20 Mar 2008 at 11:18 pm: 7
Great post.
lorraine on 21 Mar 2008 at 8:55 am: 8
Thanks Jenny
Misha on 21 Mar 2008 at 4:04 pm: 9
Absolutely Lorraine
I have some experience with this, too – and some formal training. And I can sign under your advice…
Misha
Mapquest
lorraine on 21 Mar 2008 at 5:01 pm: 10
Thanks Misha!
I appreciate your feedback
Have a terrific day
Cheers,
Lorraine
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