Personal Development And The Art of Listening
Published on 28 Aug 2007 at 9:07 am.
1 Comment.
Filed under Business Development, Feature Articles, Personal Development Strategies.
Working with thousands of people over the years I’ve come to recognize that listening is truly an art. Developing strong listening skills is a key element is building collaborative professional relationships and long-lasting personal friendships.
Many people may claim to be great listeners. Are you?
In Stephen Covey’s book, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, he describes 5 Levels of Listening:
- Empathic Listening – Listening/responding with both the heart and mind to understand the speaker’s words intent and feelings. Listen for what is not being said.
- Attentive Listening – Paying attention, focusing on the speaker’s words/comparing to your own experiences.
- Selective Listening – Hearing only what interests you.
- Pretend – Giving the appearance of listening.
- Ignore – No effort to listen.
I’ll bet you can think of people who fall into each category, right?
What level of listening do you relate to most of the time?
Being a great listener includes how you respond to what you hear….
Do you relate to these common responses to information (general conversation, problems, situations, conflicts etc)?
1. People telling you what they think you should do to fix it.
2. Comparing your situation to something that happened to them which pulls the focus away from you (which may or may not be what you need to feel supported!)
3. Trying to cheer you up or shift your mood distracting you from what you are thinking and feeling.
4. Asking so many questions, it feels like an interrogation.
5. Interruptions that control the direction of the conversation.
If you have experienced any of the above responses, how did you feel? Did you feel you were someone who really listened to you in the way you needed?
Did you need them to stop talking, stop trying to fix things, be quiet and just listen?
The truth is that all of the above responses really benefit the listener. Why? Because witnessing other people’s distress is uncomfortable. People don’t know how to handle their own discomfort while listening to someone else. AND these are typical responses people think are actually HELPING the other person! They might be if the person specifically asked for those answers. That’s right, I said ASKED! The next time you ASSUME what the other person needs in order to feel supported by you, ask them what they need. Then listen so they you can respond in the way that will be of greatest value to them!
That’s why I say listening is an art.
The most powerfull kind of listening is empathic listening. If you have the desire to listen with empathy, some simple physical adjustments will help you immediately connect with the other person.
1. Stop what you are doing.
2. Turn your body to face the person. Invite them to sit, and if possible, sit near them. If they stand, you stand. Modeling how they are presenting themselves physically will create rapport.
3. Make eye contact as you listen and speak.
4. Resist the urge towards distractions (looking through papers, taking a call, looking around….)
5. Monitor your focus of attention. If you notice your thoughts wander, return to what they are saying, listen for their tone of voice, notice their posture and facial expression. Let go of thinking about what you are going to say next be willing to be fully present! It’s about them, not all about you!
6. Learn to be comfortable with pauses and silences. Summarize what you hear them saying. “What I hear you saying is…”
7. When they have finished speaking ask questions like, “How can I be of help to you? Is there anything I can do for you?” Make statements that validate what they have just communicated, “Sounds like that was a wonderful experience for you. I hear that was a hard decision. Kudos to you for facing your fears. I can understand /appreciate your…”
With practice, you’ll have a much better understanding of how you listen, and when to move your listening to a higher level. Having empathy for others is not possible if you are unable to listen with empathy.
Here’s something to play with. Recall an experience when you felt someone really listened to you. Re-experience that memory as if it were happening now.
~ How did you feel?
~ What did you think and feel?
~ What was important for you about that experience?
~ To what extent do you communicate to others what you need from them as a listener? Were you hoping they could read your mind?
~ How will you use this information to be a more empathic listener for others?
~ How will you use this information to teach others how to show up for you?
The next time you ASSUME what the other person needs in order to feel supported by you, ask them what they need. Then listen so that you can respond in the way that will be of greatest value to them! The result is making deeper connections with people that forge meaningful relationships, professionally and personally.
Powerfull Living » 10 Qualities That Foster Trust & Safety In Relationships on 21 May 2008 at 8:49 am: 1
[...] 2. Listening and communications skills. Who doesn’t want to feel heard and understood?Having the ability to express thoughts and feelings creates connection. Becoming a great listener and communicator is an art; one that can be developed without having to be perfect. Refer to a prior post I wrote on The Art of Listening. [...]